


Dungeon Crawl

by maximumsuckage



Category: Adventure Time
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Awkward Flirting, Dungeon, F/M, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 04:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17994566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximumsuckage/pseuds/maximumsuckage
Summary: Marshall found this sweet dungeon for Fionna to fight her way through. The only drawback is that it's run by some crazy ghost who keeps talking about the friend zone.





	Dungeon Crawl

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote and edited in one day (so sorry about any typos or awk wordings) instead of working on my paper woops #springbreak
> 
> sorry this isn't dreamscape I sweaararararreeeaarrrreeeeee I haven't abandoned that 
> 
> also sorry all my regulars prolly don't know Adventure Time but I'm rewatching it right now so have some garbage

“Is this it?” Fionna peered past the grimy doorway into the gloom beyond. “Marshall. You said there was a dungeon here. This is a shack in the side of a hill.”

“There is a dungeon.” Marshall shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, pouting at her lack of faith. “C’mon, Fi, have I ever steered you wrong?”

“Many times.” Fionna pushed a loose bit of hair under the furred leather of her hat and stepped inside the shack, turning a circle. It didn’t look like anything special. Rotting shingles allowed slivers of sunlight to dapple the wooden floorboards. An old sack of leathery fruit spilled across the space and an ancient spider-webby rake leaned against the wall. It wasn’t more than a few feet across. She turned back, hands on her hips. “C’mon, Marshall, what gives? I skipped out on helping Gumball in his lab for this.”

Marshall drifted to the ground, sneakers silent on the forest floor. “Girl, you know you would have been bored out of your mind watching that loser play with test tubes all day. Look around.”

She sighed in exasperation but turned a circle again. “It’s just an ordinary shed.”

He stepped inside, so close she could feel the cold that radiated from his body. She swallowed slightly, turning to face him. In the tiny space of the shed, they were practically on top of each other. His eyes glinted, catlike, in the gloom. “I still don’t see anything,” she snapped, and stoically didn’t think about how she could smell the foresty soap on his shirt.

“Look again, Fi,” he said with a little grin. His fangs glinted.

She huffed and shoved the wayward piece of hair back under her hat, before turning sharply around. The side wall of the shed was a mess of splintery boards and spider webs. One of the spiders blinked at her with eight yellow eyes before scuttering into a chink in the boards.

Marshall grabbed her shoulders- her skin prickled where he touched- but he just spun her ninety degrees so she was looking at the rake. She glanced at him, a doubtful eyebrow raised, but reached out and grabbed the ancient gardening tool. “Okay, now what?” she asked, brushing some of the webs off and sticking them to his hoodie.

He plucked off the strands and dropped them to the ground. “Now you look again.”

“This is getting old,” she complained, but did as she was told, stepping closer to run her fingers down the wall. One of the boards wiggled in its place.

Fionna raised an eyebrow, glanced back at the vampire, then drew her metal fist back.  One punch splintered through the rotten wood. A blast of cool musty air hit her face.

“Told ya,” Marshall said as she peered through the hole. A tunnel lead deeper into the side of the hill. “I’d never lie to you.”

“Yeah, except you lie all the time.” Fionna reached out to break the edge of the hole. Rotten wood split easily “But I’ll give you this one. You gonna help me or just stand there like a useless lump?”

“Glob, Fi, you expect me to do work?”

She broke off another chunk and flicked a spider off her prosthetic arm, then shrugged. “Nah- I’d never expect someone as soft-handed as the vampire king to do physical labor. Leave that to the tough girls.”

“Low blow,” he complained, but reached out to help her, widening the new doorway. “What would Cake say?”

“Probably that I shouldn’t be hanging out with you and that you’re a creepy demon dude.” Fionna grinned at him, then dove through the hole, nearly catching her backpack on the jagged wood. She rolled and popped up, squinting into the gloom. “They couldn’t have installed any lights down here?”

“You know how dungeons are.” Marshall ducked his head and floated sideways through the hole, coming to hover beside her. “That’s why they’re an adventure.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’d miss the challenge if they started providing us with light.” She laughed and turned to drop her bag on the ground, shuffling through the contents. The point of the sheathed sword strapped to the side dragged a little path in the dirty ground.

The little flask of lighter fluid had fallen from its safe pocket into the bottom of the bag. When she grabbed it, the top was loose and the side was greasy. “Oh Glob- oh, nevermind, okay, we’re good.”

She used a bit of an old rag to soak up the tiny bit that had spilled and then secured the bottle in a different pocket. “I was worried it spilled on the Enchiridion, but I lucked out. Grab me a stick, dude.”

“You’re still lugging that textbook around?” Marshall picked up a long chunk of wood and handed it to her so she could wrap the rag around the end. “Does it actually tell you anything?”

“Yeah.” Fionna held up the torch for him to light, which he did with a lazy snap of his fingers. Warm yellow light enveloped them. “It tells me how to be a hero.”

“I don’t think you need a book for that,” Marshall commented, floating down the corridor ahead of her.

Her heart stopped beating for a split second. Did he mean _you_ as in her, specifically? Like he thought she was already hero enough? Or did he mean _you_ as in a general, plural _you_? Like anybody didn’t need a book to be a hero-

“Fi, you coming?” Marshall hovered at the edge of the torchlight, a few inches off the ground. “I think there’s some sick skelly guards up ahead.”

“Sweet!” She threw her backpack back on and unsheathed her sword, the weight steady in her prosthetic hand, the torch’s wood possibly leaving splinters in her remaining lefty (Marshall was not great at choosing sticks, it seemed). “I love stabbing skellies!”

“I know you do.” Marshall moved aside as she sprinted forward, the torchlight flickering madly.

Sure enough, two skeletons lounged at the end of the little atrium, leaning up against the wall. Fionna sprinted up with a shriek and swung the sword into one, beheading it. The skull rolled across the floor.

“Hey,” it said, jaw clacking. “That was rude.”

“You’re rude,” she retorted. “For existing.”

“Awww,” the skull said, but since it didn’t have a body it couldn’t run away from her sick burn.

The other skeleton got up, joints clicking. “You know, I didn’t really like that guy,” he said. “Thanks for slaying him.”

“I’m about to slay you next,” Fionna said, brandishing her sword. She held up the torch, and Marshall helpfully took it from her, holding it aloft so everyone could see what they were doing.

“Oh Glob,” the skeleton said, looking around for a weapon. Its bones clattered. “Just give me a second, would you?”

“Stab him!” Marshall mimed stabbing with the torch, making the shadows bounce wildly. “Do it now!”

“I’m not stabbing him before he finds a weapon,” Fionna replied, rolling her eyes at Marshall. “That’s not what a hero-”

“Psych!” A fireball erupted from the skeleton’s hands- Fionna yelped in surprise and rolled out of the way, throwing an arm over her face as the heat dissipated. “I’m not some helpless skeleton guard! I’m a skeleton wizard!”

Fionna jumped up. “I’ve dealt with enough wizards- you shouldn’t be too hard!”

The skeleton giggled, a teeth-clatteringly awful noise, and wiggled its fingers in an impossible motion. The air began to bend around it.

“This is some weird magic crap,” Marshall said from where he’d backed up against the wall. “My arm hairs are all tingly.”

“Then I won’t let him cast it!” Fionna lunged forward, bringing the sword down with enough force to split the skeleton’s skull. He sidestepped- she spun with the momentum to crunch her blade into ribs.

The skeleton stumbled but then the air went electric as the spell was cast. Fionna gasped as her chest emptied of air. The surprise lasted only a second- her eyes narrowed, and she twisted the sword upwards though the center of the ribcage, into the bottom of the skull. Bone crunched, and the air returned to normal as the spell was broken.

Fionna fell backwards, coughing as she drew air back into empty lungs. The skeleton crumpled on the ground in front of her.

“Nice one,” the first skull said from where it was still laying on the floor. “But I’d stomp him before he pulls himself together.”

Fionna nodded, still coughing when she felt a solid hand on her shoulder. “You okay?” Marshall asked. “That felt like a nasty one.”

“Yeah.” Fionna nodded, then rubbed her eyes- they’d been tearing up from her choking. “Just caught me by surprise.”

He drifted down to the ground, hand resting on her shoulder until she could breathe normally again. “Do you want to stomp him, or can I?”

“Don’t you dare.” Fionna said, lightly elbowing him. She reached down and took her sword from the pile of bones, sheathing it, then looked down at the skull. “Goodbye, Skelly Wizard. You won’t be missed.”

She drew her leg up, then stomped her heel down hard into the bone. It broke easily, crunching into dust as she jumped up and down on it to prevent the wizard from ever pulling himself together. Then she pulled the door open.

The next room was wide and spacious. The top was domed- they were in the center of the hill. Tree roots hung from the earthen ceiling and dirt covered the floor. They didn’t need the torch here- someone had set glowing crystals into the tree roots, giving the illusion of sunlight through stained glass.

“It’s so pretty,” she said, looking around at the abandoned bomb shelter. Someone had lived here, ages ago, or so it seemed. The furniture was homemade, polished wood. A preserved animal lay curled up on a dusty, woven rug, forever sleeping with nose tucked under tail. There was even a fireplace, though there were no logs to burn. “I wonder who made this place.”

“Someone dead, I would think,” Marshall said, settling to lounge in one of the chairs. “Hey, this is nice- I might steal it.”

“No!” Fionna jumped out to grab his arm. “What are you doing? Don’t sit in a dead guy’s chair, you dink! He’ll haunt you!”

“He was probably one of the skelly guards outside,” Marshall pointed out with a little smirk. “And what do I care if someone haunts me? I’m immortal- I can out-haunt any dumb ghost.” He grabbed her hand and pulled down, so she stumbled forward and landed with one hand against his chest. “Try it- it’s comfy.”

“It’s not big enough for two,” she pointed out, but his chest was cold under his hand, and his face was so close to hers- her breath hitched as she looked into his dark eyes, slightly crinkled in a cocky smirk.

“Stop that.” She pushed off his chest, and yanked her hand back.

“Stop what?” he asked innocently, shifting to the edge of the chair and looking up at her. The colorful light played off his gray-green skin, granting him false warmth. “I’m not doing anything.”

“Yeah you are.” She glared at him, then turned away to start stalking around the edges of the room. “You’re doing _that_ again.”

“I’m literally just sitting here,” he said, lounging back in the chair. “It’s just you, me, this empty dungeon…”

“Exactly.” She turned sharply, glaring at him. “Every time we’re alone you do that- make everything all double meanings and tricky. Stop that. I don’t like it.”

He pouted. “If you don’t like it, then why do you keep hanging out with me?”

Because he knew she liked dungeons in a way Gumball could never understand. Because of his hand on her shoulder when she couldn’t breathe. Because the way her heart had dropped when she’d thought that spear had pierced his body when he’d kidnapped Cake-

“We should go back and grab Cake,” she said instead. “She’ll want to see this dungeon.”

He let it drop. “You said Cake was on a date,” he pointed out, sliding off the chair to sit on the ground. He stretched one leg to prod the dead animal in the middle of the floor.

Fionna remained silent, pretending to examine the walls for secret levers or doorways, but she kept an eye on the vampire. He seemed to know that he was pushing his limits again, but he looked disappointed. “Cake doesn’t like me,” he added, in a pathetic attempt at honesty.

“I wonder why that is?” Fionna grumbled under her breath.

His lips thinned slightly and he nudged the dead thing again, then squeaked in surprise when it moved. Fionna couldn’t help a snort at the unmanly sound he’d made, even as the zombie critter started to uncurl itself.

Its movements were slow and ungainly as it turned its head, glittering glass eyes looking first at Marshall, then at Fionna. “Hello, heroes,” it said. Small canine fangs glittered rainbow in its mouth, but there was no throat- only stained stuffing where the back of its skull had been cut out. “What brings you to my humble abode?”

Fionna couldn’t tell if it was a cat or dog- the pointy ears and bushy tail suggested cat, but the size and long snout suggested dog. The body and face were too lumpy to tell after being bent into shape for years and years and years. “See, Marshall?” she said, pointing. “I told you this place was haunted.”

“The female is correct,” the creature said, stiffly moving to a sitting position, wrapping its tail neatly around its paws. “I am simply using the body of my late companion as a conduit into your world.”

“Ew,” Marshall said, wrinkling his nose.

The thing ignored him. “Why have you come to my final resting place?” it asked. “I long ago decided that I would die here. I do not wish to be disturbed.”

“I thought giving my friend a dungeon crawl would make up for being a jerk,” Marshall said, and glanced over at Fionna to make sure she’d heard him say it. “Kinda hoping this isn’t the end. She needs to kick some more butts.”

“Aha, a friend.” Its lips stretched back in a gruesome grin. “I see what this is.”

“What?” Fionna put her hands on her hips. “Why are you looking at us all freaky?”

The creature chuckled. “Well, if you two are, in fact, friends, then I have a fun dungeon for you. See, I spent a long time here, all alone, before I curled up and died. I had lots of time to dig and build and explore the insides of this hill.”

“Oh, great,” Fionna said, rolling her eyes over at Marshall. “He’s crazy.”

“I see that.” Marshall nodded. “Did _not_ know about that before I found this place for you, for the record.”

“You kidding?” Fionna’s grin mirrored that on the face of the taxodermied dog-cat. “I love me some crazy dungeon master.”

The dog-cat stood up so suddenly that some of the skin on its hindquarters ripped. Old stained stuffing popped through the cracks. “Good! I like to call my little maze the Friend Zone, because I was cooped up here alone for so long that I would have to pretend I had friends to play in my creation with me.” It laughed so widely that its lips cracked around yellowed bone. “And now I do!”

Fionna and Marshall had time to exchange a look before a doorway opened in the back of the room, leading only to darkness.

“Go on, friends!” The dog-cat gestured them forward with a dried out paw. “Enter the Friend Zone and never leave!”

“Let’s see how good this trap really is,” Fionna said, and, with an echoing battle cry, she dove headfirst into the darkness.

A hand wrapped around her ankle saved her from breaking her neck on the stony ground, but then Marshall dropped her. She landed in a tangled mess of limbs and blonde hair. “Watch it, Fi,” he grumbled, floating a little above her. “You almost left us without our token human.”

She popped up, sword already in hand, entirely unconcerned with the fact that she’d almost died. “Alright,” she said with a wicked grin. “I’m ready for this dungeon.” She glanced up at him. “You look like you have to poop. Would you chill?”

“I just have a bad feeling about this place,” he said, floating forward a bit and peering into the darkness. They stood in a little circle of rainbow light that tumbled down from the floor above, but beyond that was darkness. “That guy seemed real cuckoo.”

“You seem real cuckoo, scaredy-cat.” Fionna tucked her hair back under her hat and started forward into the dark. “Give us some light, wouldja? You left the torch up above.”

“I’m not scared,” he said, and waved his hand. Torches set in the wall lit, one by one, illuminating a hall that split into three directions at the end.

Fionna darted forward, bag rattling on her back. “Ooh, a maze! Let’s see how good a maze it really is- if I’m not lost for years, then it’s useless.”

“This place reeks of weird magic,” Marshall said, floating behind her. “Are you sure you don’t want to find a different dungeon?”

“I’m sure,” Fionna said, looking first down one hall, then darting a few steps down the second, before deciding on the third one. “I don’t smell anything.”

“Okay then.” Marshall’s tone said that he didn’t agree, but Fionna ignored it.

They walked for several long minutes in a silence that was somehow made quieter by the distant sound of dripping water and ghostly whispers. Marshall started humming.

“Is that a new song?” Fionna glanced back at him. “I don’t think I’ve heard it.”

“I mean, I’m just messing around with some chords.” Marshall said, but by the way he preened it was clear that he knew it was good. “I’m thinking some lyrics like, ‘Gonna eat your soul, your demise is my end goal, my heart’s straight up black like burnt up Nightosphere coal.’ But I’m still working on the syllables. Real beginning stage. No judgies.”

“I like it. Super evil.” Fionna nodded, then jerked her head around at a noise up ahead.

A crash, and a woman’s yell.

Fionna footsteps echoed as she ran, sword already drawn.

Three spiders crawled over something that shrieked and thrashed and struggled. Fionna leapt forward with a terrifying cry, slashing through three legs at once then twisting to stab through a pulsating abdomen before the spider had a chance to see her. It shrieked, guts flying everywhere and Fionna whipped around towards the second spider, rushing it.

A leg of the thrashing spider swept her legs out from under her. She went down in a roll, taking out another leg and stabbing upwards. The second spider screamed and ripped itself open on the sword in its escape. Guts fell, slicking the ground and soaking the sword. Fionna’s metal hand had no grip in the slime and sword was wrenched from her grasp.

But she needn’t have worried. Marshall had shifted into a winged beast, growling as he punched the third spider into the ground before it had a chance to touch Fionna. She grinned as he shrank back down into his normal form, then went after the spasming second spider to pull her sword from its gut.

“This is super gross,” she said, flicking guts from her arms. “What were they attacking?”

“Oh Glob,” Marshall said.

The thing they were attacking was a woman. She cowered against the wall, green eyes wide. “Marshall,” she cooed. “You saved me.”

“Ash?” Fionna pulled the sword from the dead spider with a sickening _squish crack_. “What the glob are you doing here?”

Ash ignored Fionna, stepping towards Marshall. Her white hair was messy from the spiders, and her black dress was torn, but somehow that just made her sexier. When she walked, one of her thighs slipped free of the fabric. “You proved yourself useful, Marshall. You saved me.”

Marshall shrank back from her. “C’mon- are you seeing her too?” he looked frantically over at Fionna, who nodded.

“Sorry dude. Apparently it’s Crazy Ex dungeon, instead of friend dungeon.”

“Crazy ex?” Ash shot a glare towards Fionna. “Marshall, you’re still hanging out with this loser?”

“She’s not a loser,” Marshall growled. “And you’re the one who was trying to donk up my memories just so I would be with you. Go jump in a piranha tank.”

 Ash laughed at that and began walking. “Whatever you say, Marshall. You always did like those stupid little mortals. No idea why. But anyways, I know the way out of here, so unless you two friends want to be stuck in the Friend Zone forever, you have to follow me.”

Fionna opened and closed her mouth once. “Oh Glob,” she groaned.

“What?” Marshall’s voice came out a little harsher than he’d meant.

“It’s trying to teach us a lesson,” Fionna grumbled. “The friend zone thing just clicked for me. I hate lessons.”

“The weird dead guy really wasn’t trying to hide it,” Marshall said.

Ash stopped walking when she realized that they weren’t following. “Marshall, leave the human to die,” she snapped. “We don’t have time for her. We need to get out of here and go home. Together. The way it’s always been.” She backtracked to touch Marshall’s chest, but he swiped her hand away. She persisted, pressing her fingers over his still heart. “The way we’re meant to be.”

“Leave him alone,” Fionna snapped. Even though it probably wasn’t Ash, seeing her try to touch Marshall like that, despite his obvious revulsion, filled her with hot fury. “We’ll find our own way out, jerk!”

She lunged forward to shove Ash away. The witch stumbled, then hissed at Fionna. “Stupid human,” she snapped. “He’s not yours.”

“No, he’s not,” Fionna replied, planting herself between Ash and Marshall. “And I’m not his. We’re _friends_ , stupid. Not friend zone. Friends!”

“Get away from my Marshall,” Ash said in a low, warning voice. “He is _mine_.”

Fionna hauled off and punched her. She shrieked, falling backwards, and Fionna advanced- a hook to the cheek, an uppercut to the boob, a kick to the stomach. “Leave him alone!” she shrieked when Ash went down. “You’re just a petty, mean, abusive…”

Before she could think of a good enough insult for Marshall’s ex, Ash shimmered.

A homeless lady, face bruised and bloody, sat on the floor where Ash had been. She giggled a little, touching her battered face, then waved a hand so her broad-brimmed hat appeared in her hands.

Fionna fell back a little. Red dripped from Magic Woman’s nose to her dress, bright crimson against the dusty yellow. “What the heck,” Fionna said. “Seriously? Why do you have to be such a jerk?”

 

“That’s who I am, sweetheart,” Magic Woman said through the blood. “Good luck trying to escape the rest of this dungeon.”

She giggled, then leapt away, turning a cartwheel before vanishing around the corner.

Fionna watched her go. Fight energy boiled in her stomach, leaving her hands shaking. With a frustrated shout, she stabbed one of the dead spiders. “Oh my Glob,” she growled. “I hate her.” She yanked the sword free, then stabbed it again. “So much.”

Marshall stood a few feet away, watching her. “I mean, thanks,” he offered weakly. “You know, for beating her up for me.”

Fionna pulled the sword out of the carcass again, grimacing at the spider slime that still caked her body. “Well, friends don’t let other friends deal with fake jerky exes.”

Marshall smiled lightly at that, then pulled off his hoodie. The t-shirt he had underneath caught, rising slightly over his hips. Fionna blushed and looked away, only looking back when he held the hoodie out to her. “Here. You can wipe most of that slime off with this.”

“Thanks.” She took it, doing her best to get the goop off. “I bet Magic Woman was Skelly Wizard and Taxoderm Cat too.”

“I thought it was a little dog,” Marshall remarked.

“I couldn’t actually tell.” Fionna turned the hoodie inside out and tied it around her waist. “I’ll wash it for you when this is done.” She still felt sticky, but the worst of the slime was off.

They began walking again, though this time they were quiet. Fionna glanced sidelong at Marshall, surprised that he was actually walking instead of floating. “Hey, you good?” she asked after a minute.

He nodded, but didn’t speak.

Fionna chewed on her lip for a minute. “You know everything with Ash isn’t your fault, right?” she finally said. “I mean, she was a real jerk. You deserve better. How about we find Magic Woman again and punch her until she runs away, and then we go get strawberry milkshakes? You can have all the red parts and I’ll have the leftovers.” She elbowed him hopefully.

That time he smiled lightly. “I don’t think I deserve much better,” he admitted. “But I’ll take you up on the shakes.”

“You do deserve it,” she insisted, elbowing him again. “Don’t let me catch you talking down to yourself, you hear me? Or I’ll set Cake on you again. Or make you be Gumball’s lab assistant.”

“Oh Glob no,” Marshall said, but he cracked a slight smile.

“Glob _yes_.” Fionna stopped and stared him down, hands on her hips. “You’ll have to put on a lab coat and be super quiet when he’s studying molecules and math and hand him tools when he asks for them.”

“Stop threatening me!” Marshall covered his ears and rushed forward, turning around the corner. “Hey, Fionna,” he called back. “I think I found a way out.”

Fionna let out a breath, more relieved that the dark tone had left his voice than she was at an escape. When she turned the corner, he was floating before a wall. A ladder stretched upwards, disappearing into a dark hole in the ceiling. “Well,” she said, nodding and looking up. “Guess we climb.”

“Too slow. I want shakes now.” Marshall darted down and scooped her up, one arm behind her back and one under her knees.

She yelped at him to put her down but still snaked her arms around his neck as he flew them up and up, through the hole. There was no heartbeat when she pressed her cheek to his chest, and she found she didn’t miss the ordinary rhythm. Marshall didn’t need a heartbeat to have a heart.

The ceiling hole wasn’t actually an exit.

“This is unnerving,” Marshall said, hovering with Fionna in his arms.

“You’re telling me. Put me down.” She regretted it, but she wanted to have all her limbs free.

They were standing in the grand hall of the Candy Kingdom, but it was empty. Whispers echoed faintly in the background, and when Fionna’s feet touched the ground, the sound echoed over and over and over. “I feel like this is some trick,” she said.

“You’re telling me.” Marshall floated a little behind her, scanning everything. “But whatever this is we just find Magic Woman, and beat the living spaz out of her.”

“Agreed.” Fionna stepped forward.

The world glitched.

The ballroom was full. Haunting music played from an orchestra of the undead, while humanoid animals danced across the floor. A fox and a rabbit waltzed until the rabbit bit into the fox’s throat. Blood dribbled down his tuxedo. A bear pirouetted past them, then tossed his gazelle partner into the air. She spun around and landed perfectly, her hoof in his paw. The rabbit abandoned the fox to dance with a wolf, and their movements melted perfectly into each other.

“This is weird,” Fionna said, then blinked. “Hey, my sword!” She felt frantically for her backpack, which was gone, and then looked down at the strapless ballgown she’d been stuffed into. “Oh glob, this is miserable,” she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. The air felt cold against her collarbones. Long opera gloves hid her prosthetic arm. “Listen, Magic Woman! I’ll punch you whether I’ve got a dress or my regular stuff or no clothes at all!”

She went to march forward, but a grasshopper in a three piece suit barred her way. “Welcome to the dance.” The voice that came through his pincers was remarkably melodious. “Such a lovely evening for a ball.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Fionna’s eyes darted every which way. One of the dancers had to be Magic Woman, and she would punch every single one until she got the right one. Nobody was allowed to torment her friends.

The fox looked suspicious- bloody as he was, he offered his hand to the otter sitting on the side. She hid her face behind her paw, pleased and embarrassed, then jumped up, her pink dress glittering. Fionna took a step towards them.

The grasshopper sidestepped, head tilted. “I said, it is such a lovely evening for a ball.”

Fionna groaned. “Listen, I’m not playing games here. Either let us go right now, or I’ll punch you and you’ll still let us go.”

The grasshopper didn’t move. Fionna groaned again, then turned sharply. “C’mon, Marshall. Looks like we’re going dancing.”

She froze when she caught sight of him. Magic Woman had dolled him up in a charcoal waistcoat that set off the gray tone of his skin and made his eyes sparkle in the candle-lit hall. His hair was combed backwards, though a few strands still fell around his face. She swallowed, then held a hand out to him. “Wow, she cleaned you up nice.”

“No spider guts left on you,” he said weakly, eyes slipping down before jerking back to her face.

“She took my hat,” Fionna complained. “I hate it when magic people pull this biz on us normies.”

“Well, here.” Marshall reached up and started pulling pins from her updo, letting her hair fall in a chaotic tangle down her back. “That feel better?”

She shook out her hair. “Yes. Okay, you ready for a dance fight?”

Marshall grinned, fangs glinting in the light. “Girl, you know I am.”

He took her hand and led her past the grasshopper onto the dance floor, then rested a hand on her hip, swaying. She followed, squinting down at their feet. “Anyone look suspicious to you?”

“Bloody fox?” he asked, adding a step to their sway. The music was impossible to dance to, the rhythm not something that was meant for bodies. None of the dancers seemed to care- several of the creatures were square dancing, while a tiger and a lynx tangoed down the middle of the floor, all feline sultriness.

“Wait, what are you doing?” Fionna grit her teeth, trying to line up to his step, and then caught onto his rhythm. She looked up over his shoulder at the bloody fox, who continued to spin the otter maid around. “I thought maybe, but now I think he might be too obvious. It would be someone less out of place.”

They began a slow circle of the dance floor, terribly out of step. Fionna stepped on Marshall’s shoes no less than fourteen times in the short amount of space that they traveled. Her dress felt too tight around her ribs. All the animals were strange, but which one was Magic Woman?

“You know, I’m getting it,” Marshall said. “The whole Friend Zone dungeon thing.”

“Don’t.” Fionna paused her observation to look at him. “Don’t give her the satisfaction. Either she wants to drive us apart, or-”

“Or push us together.” Marshall finished.

Fionna’s heart skipped a beat. “Yeah. Whatever.”

Marshall reached between them to brush the hair from her face. “You know, I wasn’t kidding. When I said you didn’t need a book to be a hero.”

She blinked, looking up at him. “What? What’s that got to do with…?”

“I mean, that’s what I like about you.” He tilted his head. “You don’t… you know, give up your values for anyone or anything. You’re a hero. You help people even when it might kill you.” He swallowed. “I feel like I’m better when I’m hanging out with you, you know?”

Fionna’s cheeks burned red. “What? Marshall, stop it.” She put a hand against his chest and pushed him away.

He let her, standing a little further away. “No jokes this time,” he said, holding his hands up innocently. “I’m being for reals.”

She glared at him, even as her heart pounded in her ears. “You always do this,” she growled. “You always go messing with me like that, and then as soon as I fall for it, you’re like PSYCH and make me go overthinking everything again.”

“Fionna, I’m-”

“No. I’m not falling for it again.” She crossed her arms. “Stop it, Marshall. I _told_ you-”

He dropped his hands. “I’m not saying it like a like-like thing,” he said. “I mean, I do like-like you, but I like being friends with you more, you know? That’s why I- you mess up my head, Fi.” He dropped his head backwards, rubbing his hands down his face. “Every time you’re around me, you’re smiling and slaying monsters and helping the weak, and I _want_ to help you. I want to be there with you. When I see you with cuts on your face from whatever quest, I want to murder whatever monster tried to kill you.”

Her arms were still crossed, but her expression softened slightly. “What?”

“You’re a hero, Fionna.” Marshall shook his head. “You’re amazing. And I think I do like-like you. Actually. For reals. But if you don’t feel the same, let’s forget this entire conversation.” He laughed awkwardly. “I don’t want to lose you over me being weird.”

“For reals?” she asked, and her voice sounded too small to be from the same girl that slew the Lich.

“For reals,” he said with a little tiny shrug. He looked away, swallowing. “But I’m still gonna tease you like all the time. And totally deny that this conversation ever happened if anyone else ever asks.”

She opened and closed her mouth once, and then nodded. “Can I, like, think about this for a hot minute?”

He glanced over. “You totally mean go back and tell Cake everything and get her opinion, don’t you?”

Fionna laughed awkwardly, then shrugged, flushing redder. It wasn’t a denial.

He nodded. “Yeah. I can’t stop you. Wouldn’t want to stop you anyways, even if I could. Can we stop talking about this dumb stuff and punch things now?”

“Gladly.” Fionna turned and slugged the fox. He flickered and vanished.

Marshall slammed an elbow into a nearby butterfly, throwing him to the ground. He too glitched away.

One by one, they took down the other dancers, until only the otter remained, in her glittery pink gown. She hid her face behind her paws when the pair advanced, fists and elbows bloody.

“Oh dear,” she said gleefully. “Imagine what chaos this will cause.”

“What?” Fionna narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean, Magic Woman?”

The otter laughed and transformed into the familiar Martian. She bowed deeply, sweeping her hat backwards flamboyantly. “Fionna the Human and Marshall Lee the Vampire King? What political chaos! What unexpected developments! The Nightosphere connected to Aaa? It will be a nightmare!” She laughed.

Fionna grit her teeth. “Get out of our biz!”

Magic Woman just laughed and flew up into the air. Fionna shrieked and sprinted forward, leaping from the dais to the windowsill to the chandelier. She swung once, then threw herself forward to kick Magic Woman in the teeth.

They fell together. Magic Woman grinned from the ground, dribbling blood, as Fionna held her by the collar. “Doesn’t matter,” she said, and snapped her fingers. The surroundings vanished, clothes restored, and they were standing on the hill in front of the shed once again. “When the Queen of the Nightosphere finds out her son is canoodling with a mortal-”

Fionna slammed her skull against the ground, then threw her aside. “C’mon, Marshall. I’ve had enough of this. Let’s go get those shakes.”

Marshall aimed a petty kick at Magic Woman’s side, though nothing they did would ever hurt the Martian permanently. Then he swooped forward to scoop Fionna up, despite her yelp of surprise. “It’s faster to fly,” he said as they rose above the canopy. “Plus, your sister won’t find us up here.”

“You said I could talk to her,” Fionna complained, wrapping her arms around his neck as she hazarded a glance below them. If she jumped from his arms, she could probably stop her fall by swinging around a tree branch…

“C’mon, Fi.” Marshall smiled at her. “Do you really need to think about this?”

No. Of course not. She would never actually let go of him. But she wasn’t letting him off that easy.

“Yeah, I don’t know,” she said, letting go of his neck (she knew he wouldn’t drop him. His arms were too steady around her). “People might talk. Gumball might disapprove.”

Marshall groaned. “Are you really basing this on the royal idiot’s opinion? Fionna-”

She punched his shoulder. “Stop being weird, Marshall.”

“What?”

She tilted her head, biting her lip. Her heart pounded against her sternum. This could go so wrong. She would be so embarrassed if it went so wrong-

His lips met hers, cold against her warm as they floated above the canopy. She hugged him around his chest, opening her mouth enough to feel the nip of his fangs pressing against her lip, but he would never bite her.

But she had to break the kiss early to laugh. Cake was going to be so mad when she found out.

“Stop thinking about other stuff,” Marshall complained. “Stop it. I see you doing it. Think about me.”

“I am. I swear.” Fionna said through a giggle. She took a deep breath, steeling herself. “Okay. I’m ready.” She dove in again, but this time the kiss was stiff and awkward and she nearly nicked herself on his tooth. “Ow.”

“We’ll work on it,” Marshall promised. “Did you still want shakes?”

Fionna nodded. “Yeah. I’ll buy. I raided this tomb last week and it had a sick-ton of gold.”

“Ah, she’s rich too.” Marshall grinned.

She flicked him. “Don’t get too comfy.”

“Too late. Already am. I was looking at this guitar the other day-”

“Nope.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Holy balls I'm the only one awake at 1230am and my dog is barking at nothing out the front door so in conclusion Smitty Werbenyegermanjenson is gonna kill me
> 
> Anyways I'm not dead, school is just crazy
> 
> I hope you enjoyed my fiolee garbage.
> 
> Raise your hand if you're still mad about getting slapped by Sicko Mode instead of Sweet Victory at the Super Bowl
> 
> Update: little things keep moving right before I walk in a room or when I turn my back without anyone there to touch it. One of my knitting needles randomly rolled across the desk when I was outside my room. Is it possible to 100% not believe in ghosts but also be 100% salty that one won’t leave you alone? Like oh my gosh this fake ghost is more annoying than a clingy tinder boy


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